Self-Loathing and The Barefoot Contessa

The only thing this post has to do with living in Berlin is that I made some brownies to take over to Annika's German boyfriend's house when we went there for dinner over the weekend. Basically, this will amount to a fleeting thought which is slightly too long to be expressed via Twitter or Facebook. If you love Ina Garten, you should stop reading now. If you continue on, please know that this is more a judgement of myself than of you, her true fans...though I can hardly understand how she has any of those.

Jeffrey just loves fresh tomatoes.

I was all over The Food Network in its heyday. Maybe it's still in its heyday, but I feel like there was a sweet spot before Rachael Ray and Guy Fieri were shoved at me from every direction ad nauseam...not so great when their main purpose is to get me to try to cook food like them. At any rate, I hit 30 Minute Meals, Everyday Italian, and Semi-Homemade hard. Giada and Bobby Flay were my culinary crushes. However, there was always the issue of the Barefoot Contessa. The sound of the intro of her show sent me diving for the remote faster than the "clunk-clunk" at the beginning of Law & Order. I found her incredibly condescending and her friends all seemed like jerks. One day, while I was getting a dental cleaning no less, I was forced to watch the tail end of her show all the while wavering between interest in what she was making and wanting the television to come unchained from its bracket directly overhead and end my misery (and I'm not talking about the hygienist). She was wrapping up her beauty outdoor dinner with her Outrageous Brownies. Coffee was an ingredient, and everyone at the finely adorned table in the sand seemed to be enjoying them.

They really are delicious.

When I got home, I decided to check out the recipe online. Much to my surprise, it was relatively simple (I say "relatively" because there is always the option to just add an egg and some water to a mix and call it a day). Since Neil is a chocolate-lover and he was due home from a trip in a few days, I decided to give them a try. Much to my simultaneous dismay and satisfaction, they were delicious...an instant go-to should I have to bring a dessert somewhere. Herein lies my dilemma. I make them fairly often, and, not to toot my own or Ina Garten's horn, people tend to like them and ask how I make them. I am always compelled to give her credit, and yet I also feel the need to make sure people know that I would never under any other circumstances make one of her recipes. I realize that this all seems ridiculous. That I should feel so strongly about this (probably) very nice lady who just likes to throw elaborate dinners and lunches and make it seem like they are casual meals that didn't require a team of assistants and lighting experts to pull off is insane.

Ah, but I've forgotten to tell you the worst part about the recipe...a detail that is the perfect illustration of why I feel the way that I do. The second-to-last sentence of the instructions reads, "Do not overbake!" Really? Thanks for that tip. Also, in the show, she has on-hand (because why wouldn't everyone) plain white Chinese takeout cartons so she can send everyone home with a couple of her cherished brownies.   I'm sure Jeffrey appreciates that she sends all of the extra brownies away. I'm not saying it's not a cute idea, but would people complain about a paper plate with some foil or a ziplock bag?

Also, she trademarked her favorite phrase, "How easy is that?" Trademarked. She is the worst.