When I took Annika to the ER over the weekend because her fever wouldn't go down, and her breathing was getting too congested for my liking, this blog was practically writing itself. From taking the train to an ER without a pediatric physician to the taxi not being able to drive us the 10 minutes to the next hospital because we didn't have a car seat, to taking the train back home to get the car, to going to the other hospital and waiting for hours to see a pediatrician, to waiting another 45 minutes for lab results during which time a bonus ear infection was found, to finally getting up to the room at 126 then waiting another hour for the results of the blood work before her IV finally got put in, to finally falling asleep between her crying and the other poor baby in the room crying and monitors buzzing whenever the two of them were quiet, to the nurse coming in to give Annika medicine when everything was quiet to the mural of
Winnie the fucking Pooh on the wall staring at me the entire night, to my phone running out of batteries, to not knowing when we would get to leave, to the nurses rolling their eyes when I would ask them to repeat certain things again or slowly (because to dispel another myth not everyone here speaks English fluently. They start to learn in the 5th grade and continue through their formal schooling which is sometimes 12 years like in the US and sometimes 10 years. Unless they actively keep it up, by the time they are 30+, they speak about as much English as you do whatever language you took in high school, which is totally fine. That's why I'm continuing to learn German), I had a lot of material to work with. It was also Neil's first official weekend of class for his program which consists of scattered, intensive weekends during which he stays on location, so I had the whole "he always misses the good stuff, even when he's not really in the Air Force right now" angle too. Instead, I crammed it all into a paragraph containing one really long run-on sentence because by the time we were heading to bed after returning home on Monday, all I was feeling was incredibly lucky.
Finally back in our apartment with Annika bathed and napping in her bed, laundry running, and WiFi functioning, I thought it might be nice to check in on what I'd missed in the world of social media during our journey through the German Krankenhaus system. Apart from being amazed that anyone cared about the Pro Bowl, I began to read cryptic and concerning posts to a friend's Facebook wall. Neil sometimes gives me a hard time about checking Facebook, but it is not always a mindless voyeuristic view into the lives of people I have known in varying degrees throughout my life. It is a way of staying connected to people about whom I care, whether we see or talk or message to each other frequently or not. Nevertheless, I began feverishly searching to see if I could find out what was wrong. Bit by bit, the tragic pieces of information began to fall into place. My PT classmate Jana Evers Rojas and her husband Jaime had lost their young daughter Elysa suddenly and without warning after taking her to the ER for symptoms not unlike the ones I had noticed in Annika days earlier. (I debated whether or not to use her full name, but I have done so because I would hope that everyone would pray for Jana, Jaime, and their other young daughter Isla). Elysa would have been 3 next weekend, and her family is holding her funeral tomorrow. Initially, I was at a loss for words. Then, I couldn't stop saying and thinking words.
- My God, how could this happen?
- Please God, give them comfort and peace during this awful time!
- It could just as easily have been Annika.
- Why did this happen to them? They are some of the kindest, gentlest, most loving people I know.
- What can I say/do to help?
That last one is always the bugger. In a time like that, all I can do is think about what I would want to hear, if I would want to hear anything at all. No matter how busy life is, how terrible my day is going, or how awful the scenario, the only thing I always come to is prayer. I know not everyone believes in the power of prayer or in God at all, and I think that's fine. There are days and weeks when I have to look long and hard at my faith, and I think that's ok too...maybe even good for me. All I know is when I pray for someone, and I let that person know that I am praying for them, it can only help. Even someone who doesn't believe in the same idea of God as I do isn't harmed by knowing that I'm here lifting up thoughts and prayers on their behalf. At the very worst, it's a wash and doesn't effect them either way. Even when I feel totally helpless, I can send up a prayer for someone and ask others to do the same. I sent out a few emails and posted on Facebook and Twitter asking for prayers for Jana and her family, and the response I got from people all over the world was overwhelming. In the process, I heard about another little girl, Ella, who was being taken off life support, and I added her to my list. Another loss this week was Luc Gruenther, an F16 pilot from Aviano Air Base in Italy whose wife is due to deliver their first child in a few weeks. They are getting prayers as well.
It has been a terribly sad week. Every day I have been trying to just be happy that Annika is here with us...a task that she does not always make easy. I have felt guilty for trying to enforce what discipline is possible with a 20-month-old and then guiltier for getting frustrated with myself and her when it doesn't always pan out. I type this with a heavy heart. I type this, in part, for myself because living here I don't have close friends on hand with whom to discuss these kinds of things. If I did, I am pretty sure I couldn't verbalize all of this in German that any German would be able to understand...and they're not that big on feelings anyway. In general, I type this blog as though no one is going to read it because I think I can be more honest that way. Usually it allows me to be funny or sarcastic without fear of offending one of the 6 sets of eyes who might be reading (which, if it's you and you're still reading and you like Winnie the Pooh, I'm so sorry). Today, it is letting me cry all over my keyboard and maybe getting one more person to say a prayer for Jana, Jaime, Isla, Elysa, Ella, Luc, and the Gruenther family.
To close, I'm pasting in a prayer from my mom's cousin in Canada in response to my mom forwarding the prayer request that I initially sent. Her name is Sally Ann, and she has never met the Rojas family. In fact, she has only met me once...maybe twice. At a time when there may truly be no words able to console or comfort, I think she came pretty close. If you think you're no good at praying but want to give it a shot, I think this may be a good place to start.
Dear Gracious Heavenly Father,
Together we lift up Jana, her husband Jaime, their daughter Isla, and all who love them, and ask Father that YOU would wrap YOUR loving arms around them, and provide for their every need in the coming days and weeks and months ahead, as they grieve the unexplainable loss of their daughter Elysa.
Father please give them the strength to endure and carry on for Isla. Father, all of us who are parents, can not begin to imagine their overwhelming grief and loss, but we know that YOU do, because YOU gave YOUR very own son Jesus, as a sacrifice to the world. I pray Father, Jana, & Jaime know how much YOU love them and always have, but especially NOW. Your words tell us,"You are precious and I love you". (Isaiah 43.4). I pray Father, they feel YOUR arms wrapped tightly around them, through their family and friends, who are there with them comforting them as they grieve. Your word says, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed" (Psalm 34:18), I pray Father, that they would cling to YOUR promises for their little girl that one day, "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain, for the former things have passed away.” (Revelation 21:4), and they will one day live with her in paradise for eternity.
Dear Father, please give them the strength they need to look to YOU for their every need. Please comfort them in their grief, and reassure them that she is in the loving arms of Jesus, and he will watch over her forever more, as he cares for all of his little lambs.
Dear Father, you bring healing to the brokenhearted, and I pray, where there are no words that anyone can truly say to comfort Jana, and Jaime in their grief, that they feel YOU tugging at their hearts drawing them near to YOU. Your words tells us, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you". (Hebrews 13:5). Thank YOU Father, for loving Jana and Jaime, and out of their love for each other YOU gave them the precious gift of their daughter. Father, we don't understand WHY, but we know that you hold our future in your hands. We claim YOUR promises Father, that one day we will be reunited with all who we have dearly loved and lost, for those who come to believe in Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and saviour. I pray that in their times of sorrow Jana and Jaime would be flooded with precious memories of their little girl.
Father, please bring comfort and healing to Jana and Jaime, for as a parent and grandparent, I can only imagine their broken hearts. I pray that you would place people in their lives who too have lost children to be a source of love and comfort to them. Thank YOU for the blessings that Jana is to Jaime, and Jaime is to Jana, please give them all that they need to lift each other up when the sorrow and sadness is too much to endure. Please give them the grace they will need to carry on. Please be with Isla, as she may not be old enough to understand why her sister is gone, and why mommie and daddy are so sad. Please use her to help comfort them in their loss. Father God, we do not understand why you needed this precious little angel in heaven, but her parents and all who love her entrust her to your caring. Thank you for the precious time you gave her to Jana and Jaime. Thank you for Isla, and the blessing she is and will be for Jana and Jaime. Please watch over her and guide her in all your ways. Thank you for all the people you have placed in Jana's and Jaime's life who love them. Please use them in a might way to bring comfort and healing to them at this very time.
We ask this in the precious name of your son Jesus. Amen
